Guilty

The BBC is carrying reports that Joey Barton has pleaded guilty to assault and affray (in relation to the incident outside McDonalds in December), and has been sentenced to six months in prison. The BBC states that Newcastle are apparently considering the verdict.

What this means in practical terms is that, if we keep Barton (which I'm assuming we will - how often do you throw away (sack) a 6 million pound asset?) he'll probably be out on parole in about 12 weeks.

By my reckoning that means he'll miss the whole of pre-season and be back in training around the start of September. Hardly a disaster in footballing terms.

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of whether we choose to stand by the player because he's a reformed character, or simply because we'd lose a 6 million pound player if we ditched him, the short fact is I'll be amazed if we do anything other than show our support for him (and equally uphold the British justice system).

It just goes to show how well Sam Allardyce was able to manage a player who he convinced the board to sign, arrogantly sure of his own abilities to reform Barton. There can't be too many on Tyneside (or for that matter away from the Sky Sports studio) that are surprised that the Fat oaf failed. Again.

Still, I suppose a few weeks of porridge makes a change from two weeks in Ayia Napa as a way to spend your summer holiday.

Rammy off, Smudger to follow?

With the league season now over, the rumour mill has rolled into overdrive as the summer begins.

However, before we move on to the tittle-tattle, one piece of news is that Peter Ramage has signed a three-year deal with QPR (where he'll be able to gaze on the attractive visage of Iain Dowie, newly installed as first team coach). Undoubtedly a trier, Ramage will, I'm sure, do well the Championship where his solid tackling and commitment will more than compensate for his occasional defensive lapses. He will perhaps wonder whether a new contract at St James Park might have been forthcoming had he not been injured so early in the season, particularly as our defence shifted on an almost daily basis under the early stewardship of Fat Sam. However, the move is definitely the right thing for all concerned, with the player likely to be a regular starter in the Championship, and with the hope that our defence will be bolstered by better players arriving in the coming weeks.

Turning to spurious rumours, the Guardian today wins the prize for story I'd most like to see happen, with reports of the monsters of smog being keen (!) to take Alan Smith's unique brand of goal-shy striker play/headless chicken midfield running to the Riverside.

Allardyce wasn't joking when he signed Smith as a replacement to Kieron Dyer, with Dyer equally adept at collecting massive wages despite contributing very little in the Goals For column. Quite why Gareth Southgate wants in him, God only knows, but let's all keep our fingers crossed that the deal goes through.

In other tales, apparently we've finally opened talks with England sub Michael Owen, but are only offering him £80,000 per week, which represents a £40,000 pay cut for our revitalised captain. Unsurprisingly, presumably in the hope that the club will stump up more cash, he's now being linked with moves to such glamorous locations as Japan and Everton. Clearly a case of watch this space, as far as the club are concerned.

Mind, if we can shift Alan Smith's reported £60,000 off the wage bill, I'd happily see most of that augment Owen's salary, on the basis that he has, at least, proved himself capable of scoring goals.

Look to the future

Everton 3 - 1 Newcastle Utd

A couple of months ago, it looked as though our season really could come down to the last game. Thankfully it didn't. Our recent record at Goodison Park is dreadful, and today's showing did nothing to improve it. Matters weren't helped by the fact that for Everton it was still a meaningful fixture - they kicked off knowing a point or better would fend off Villa's challenge in the race for 5th place and UEFA Cup football next term.

The recent stability of the side was unsettled by the absences of Mark Viduka, Obafemi Martins, Geremi and ASBO, with Andy Carroll, Charles N'Zogbia, Damien Duff and (groan) Alan Smith coming in to replace them.

Carroll had a decent early opportunity saved by Tim Howard, but it was N'Zogbia - in all probability making his final appearance for the club (though sincerely I hope not) - who carried our biggest threat, his crosses causing consternation in the penalty area. Ex-Smog Yakubu was the Toffees' danger man, and, having already shot wide when well placed, he capitalised on Duff's stupid foul by directing his header from the resulting Manuel Fernandes free-kick beyond Steve Harper.

Harper was definitely the busier 'keeper in the first period, saving brilliantly from Leon Osman and also preventing Victor Anichebe from repeating the trick of last year's fixture, when he plundered a couple. But, for all that pressure, N'Zogbia came close to scoring with a free-kick, and was instrumental when the equaliser did come, two minutes into the second half. His mazy run into the area was brought to an abrupt halt by Joseph Yobo's leg, and ref Peter Walton pointed to the spot. Owen's penalty was hardly decisive, but slipped underneath Timmy Tourettes anyway.

For a while, we weathered the subsequent storm, Harper diverting a pair of Fernandes free-kicks away from danger, but with 20 minutes left we found ourselves behind again, Joleon Lescott rounding off an impressive season by guiding home a far-post volley. The quality of the finishing was again high, but again the free-kick was given away needlessly, this time by Little Saint Mick, who compounded his error by absent-mindedly giving Fernandes time and space on the edge of the area to pick out the central defender.

Osman, who had been a menace to our back four all afternoon with his running, was then felled by Steven Taylor's leg in the area and Yakubu sent Harper the wrong way from the spot with his club's first penalty of the season to ensure we left Merseyside empty-handed. There can't really be too many complaints about the result, either - though we can certainly gripe about the performance of a certain Mr A Smith, as anonymous as his surname would suggest.

It's hard to believe that, after the horrible season we've had, our 12th place finish actually represents progress on last term, when we ended up in 13th. There's obviously a huge amount of work to be done in the summer, something that the generally positive end to the campaign can't mask. King Kev was spot on in his post-match comments: "If ever we needed a team to look at we were in the right place today. If Everton can finish fifth, why can't we? We have a bigger stadium and more fans, but they all play for each other and that's the spirit we don't have. If we can get that with the players we've got there's no reason we can't challenge for that spot next season." If anyone was concerned about Kev's lack of optimism and ambition after the Chelsea game (and I'm not joining in with the media reports that Mike Ashley was, I should add), then that should be reassuring. Interesting too that there was no mention of money - it might be a matter of about nurturing and developing team spirit, rather than (by implication) spending lots of cash. Presumably that means we can expect to see the back of ASBO, then? Hopefully he might take Smith with him...

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

That way madness lies

In the light of the rather bizarre furore stirred up by his comments about the difficulty of breaking into the top four, King Kev's come out on the defensive: "I know people might be disappointed by me saying we might not win the league, but there would be a real danger of me being whipped off to the old nuthouse if I started saying that".

Inevitably, the media seem to have understood "people" as a reference not to themselves but to Mike Ashley, and billed the pair's meeting on Friday as a "summit meeting", as though Keegan's been summoned to London like a naughty schoolboy.

Shame that Chris Mort's reaction to Keegan's initial statement flatly contradicts the view that there's some kind of split between manager and hierarchy, then: "I thought Kevin's comments were quite sensible. I'm not sure what people's expectations are but I don't think most Newcastle fans would be greatly surprised by what he had to say. There are those who are naturally optimistic but it does no harm to come out with some realism and say that if we get fifth we will have done well. He's right. I wasn't taken aback by Kevin's comments. He says what he feels. We have just come out of a relegation battle so you can't have people surprised when the manager says we aren't going to get into the Champions League."

Of course, there are things that need to be ironed out - most significantly, our summer transfer targets and the budget we'll have to spend on them - but that's far from meaning the pair are on collision course...

In other news, the surgery Mark Viduka needs for his niggling Achilles injury could sideline him for up to six months. Might that just edge Peter Crouch further up towards the top of our shopping list?

Latest releases

The Stiffs' back four is set to have an altogether more aesthetically pleasing look to it next season, with the news that Stephen Carr and Peter Ramage will be accompanying Australian teenager James Troisi out of the St James's Park door in the summer.

On paper, signing Carr from Spurs back in 2004 for just £2m was something of a coup, but, as though exhausted by the move up to the North East, the Irishman suddenly seemed to decide that crossing the halfway line to support attacks in any meaningful way was too much effort. What's worse, his defending left much to be desired too. Mercifully, what with his injury problems and the splendid recent form of Habib Beye, Carr has rarely figured this season, and no one will shed a tear for his departure.

While the sight of Peter Ramage also packing his bags is unlikely to make anyone misty-eyed either, there is always a touch of disappointment when a local lad fails to make the grade. Older than Steven Taylor, with whom he came through the ranks, Ramage is leaving in search of the first-team football that King Kev has openly admitted he can't offer him. Capable of the odd outstanding display, Ramage could more often be something of a liability at the back - though in the Championship, where some defensive mistakes go unpunished and robustness of tackling is prized, he could do well.

Who might be coming in to take their places and strengthen the back line is anyone's guess. But, with the summer not even yet upon us, Chris Mort has already been voicing his concern about our inability to attract the "top-notchers" Keegan spoke about last week: "It is frustrating that Modric, like Woodgate before him, should take less money than we offered to move to the bright lights of London and European football with Tottenham next season". There you have it: to counter the not inconsiderable charms of our rivals, all we can offer is wheelbarrows full of cash. No wonder that as fans we're constantly plagued by the feeling that we're supporting a team of underachieving mercenaries...

Canny Kev

King Kev's comment in the wake of yesterday's defeat by Chelsea, that the Premier League "is in danger of becoming one of the most boring but great leagues in the world", seems to have ruffled a few feathers in the media - see, for instance, Phil McNulty's rather indignant piece on the BBC site. No great surprise there, though, given that an exciting league is what the media craves (and strives to portray the Premier League as, whether the reality fits or not).

As McNulty grudgingly hints, however, Keegan's personal agenda for saying what he did in the context shouldn't be ignored: "Keegan may just be indulging in a spot of expectation management to calm the ambitions of Newcastle owner Mike Ashley, and if this is his motivation it is actually a clever move". By rejecting rather than merely downplaying our chances of breaking into the top four next term, he was being realistic, and preparing the ground for a season in which we again fall short - but at the same time he still urged Ashley to make the financial commitment necessary to strengthen the side so that fifth is an achievable target.

Perhaps it's that realism that's been such an affront to everyone? After all, it hardly tallies with the caricature of Keegan the naive and optimistic dreamer. The comments may not be as clever as McNulty suggests, though, if a disgruntled Ashley interprets them negatively as defeatist - and to the ears of some fans used to being inspired and invigorated by Keegan's words they may have that depressing ring too.

A spring in his Steps

Hobo Tread, the site of our favourite itinerant Havant & Waterlooville supporting football fanatic Skif, is no more. But fear not - it's simply been renamed Dub Steps, so you can still read about the quality of cups of tea the length and breadth of the country, and enjoy comparisons between Arundel manager Richard Towers and "a tottering town-centre slag"...

Almost over

Newcastle Utd 0 - 2 Chelsea

All good things must come to an end. So it came to pass today, as our seven match unbeaten run finally ground to a halt as we came up against a Chelsea team chasing Manure all the way to the wire.

With Abdoulaye Faye the only change to our side, returning from injury to resume his partnership in defence with Steven Taylor, it was a chance for the recent return to form to be tested against a title chasing team.

For 45 minutes, we not only contained Chelsea, but we had the better opportunities - the best falling to Owen who, after a strong run by Martins led to a scramble in the box, was presented with a golden opportunity to take the lead only for John Terry to clear off the line. At the other end, for all Chelsea were passing the ball well, Steve Harper was barely extended throughout the half.

Half time saw Smith replace Viduka, but it was Avram Grant's team talk which clearly had the most stirring impact on the match. For 13 minutes, Newcastle could barely get a touch on the ball, and when Terry's powerful header cannoned back off the crossbar it looked as though we had weathered the storm. However, a Drogba free-kick from just outside the box was cleverly flighted in, and Ballack was afforded a free header from six yards, to give the Blues the lead.

Having been resolutely pegged back, we managed to get back into the game, and with Chelsea starting to sit back, we enjoyed our best spell of the half, with Martins' pace proving a particular problem for Chelsea. However, for all his potency on the break, it was Owen who had our best chance, narrowly failing to connect with a lofted ball in and restore parity. That miss unfortunately was the end of our resistance, and shortly afterwards Malouda was able to slot home past Harper to guarantee the points for Chelsea.

For them, it ensured the title race went to the wire. For us, it showed both the scale of the journey we've been on in recent weeks, and also the work which needs to be carried out over the summer if we're to begin next season with the hope that we can seriously challenge for a place in Europe next season.

A Chelsea fan's view: Chelsea Blog

Other reports: BBC

A Month Of Saturdays: April 2008

If, back in the desperate days of early March, you’d given us two wishes for the remainder of the season, we would have all answered in exactly the same way. Firstly, to somehow escape the spectre of relegation that was looming as large as a hungry Mark Viduka striding purposefully towards his local Greggs. Secondly, to beat the Mackems at St James’s Park.

With the benefit of hindsight, though, that second wish would have been wasted – of course we were always going to put the Great Unwashed to the sword, no matter how badly we were playing, no matter what our predicament at the time. But all the same, how sweet it was that both wishes came true at the same time, the largely effortless 2-0 victory securing our top flight status. Michael Owen might still have the odd doubter in the stands, but by almost single-handedly firing us to safety and condemning the wretches from down the road to deserved defeat he can hardly have done more to win them over.

Suddenly a season that has been, for the most part, unremittingly awful faded from memory. Anxiety and depression gave way to beaming faces and lustily joyous renditions of unsavoury songs about Roy Keane’s intimate relations with his faithful canine companion. Natural order had been restored.

Inevitably, every other game in April was a footnote by comparison – even the confident and comprehensive demolition of Reading in what was nominally a relegation crunch match. Buoyed by the thrashing of Spurs on their own patch, we set about the Royals with gusto, and the afternoon ended with all three prongs of King Kev’s dynamic strikeforce on the scoresheet for the first time. As against the Mackems, though, the unsung hero was Habib Beye – solid defensively and a secret weapon in attack. Could it be that Fat Sam’s legacy isn’t all bad? Certainly, it’s a cheering thought that Stephen Carr is unlikely to get anywhere near the first team ever again.

Sandwiched in between the wins over Reading and Roy’s rabble was the trip to the English Riviera to play Portsmouth. It proved to be the only time Owen has blotted his copybook since the ultimately costly clutch of missed chances against Blackburn – even if he was extremely unlucky to see his close-range volley clear the crossbar via a deflection off David James’s afro. Thankfully Jermain Defoe chose the same afternoon to be equally wasteful, and we managed to escape Fratton Park and that fucking bellringer with a point.

The derby victory the following weekend made it three consecutive clean sheets – a remarkable achievement in the light of some of the humiliations we’ve suffered this season, even allowing for the calibre of the opposition – but of course it couldn’t last. Half an hour into our visit to Upton Park and we were fortunate to be only the two goals down. But riding our luck and clinging on for dear life like a cowboy on a bucking bronco, we staged an improbable comeback to draw level and extended our unbeaten run to seven games.

The ease with which a West Ham side lacking confidence opened us up will have served as a useful reminder to Keegan that much work remains to be done in the summer – and, to his credit, he seems to have made it his priority this summer to sign the commanding centre-back we’ve lacked ever since Jonathan Woodgate was stretchered off to Real Madrid. Of the players in whom he’s been credited with an interest, Sol Campbell is the wrong side of 30 and possibly set to see out his playing days in the sun with Villareal, while Real’s lanky German international Christophe Metzelder would be expensive. Carlos Cuellar of Rangers might be our best bet, though many more performances like the one in tonight’s UEFA Cup semi-final second leg against Fiorentina and he’ll join the ranks of the “top-notchers” Kev’s confessed are unfortunately out of our league. (That said, we’ve already tried signing a central defender with a big reputation from the Gers, and look how that ended up...)

The season’s not yet over, and we’ve already had the bitter taste of missing out on one “top-notcher”. Defence might be the priority, but we’re also in definite need of a consistent attacking midfielder, and so it was hugely disappointing when Croatian international Luka Modric plumped for one of our closest rivals, Spurs. Hopefully we won’t have to go head-to-head for players too often this summer – Kev’s powers of persuasion are strong and his infectious enthusiasm potent, and cold, hard cash always has an allure, but, with no European football to offer, we could find ourselves repeatedly left empty-handed.

But at least we’ll still be kicking off in the Premier League next season. And one thing’s for certain: if, as has been rumoured, Stoke will owe us £4m for Shola Ameobi if they’re automatically promoted, we’ll be laughing all the way to the bank...

Trendsetters

West Ham 2 - 2 Newcastle Utd

For most of this season, fans of other teams would have been horrified at the thought that their sides might follow a fashion set by Newcastle Utd. But on an exciting afternoon in the Premier League yesterday, supporters of Liverpool and especially Fulham will have been delighted that we made coming back from a two goal deficit away from home all the rage.

With us relieved to have joined our opponents West Ham in the mid-table comfort zone, neither team had much more than pride to play for. All the same, we seem to have regarded securing top flight survival and beating the Mackems as justifying going on holiday early, whereas the Hammers still had the boos of their own fans ringing in their ears from their previous home game - lest we forget, a win against Derby (a feat we couldn't achieve) - and set out determined to get the crowd on their side quickly.

Abdoulaye Faye's absence through injury meant a starting berth in central defence for David Edgar, and Kevin Keegan's comment that "by the end he looked at home as a Premier League defender" tells you all you need to know about the way he began the game. Ten minutes were on the clock when ex-Mackem George McCartney picked out Mark Noble in the box and while all our defenders played at statues, the midfielder volleyed clinically past Steve Harper. Quarter of an hour later and we were two down, striker and sometime Toon target Dean Ashton proving too strong and tricky for Edgar in manoeuvring into a shooting position and firing into the bottom corner. Things weren't looking good.

But then, from nowhere, a glimmer of hope. ASBO floated a pass over the top and a misjudgement from the Hammers' own inexperienced centre-back James Tomkins let in Obafemi Martins for a neat finish past Robert Green. If that goal was both unexpected and undeserved given our lethargy and doziness, then the equaliser on the stroke of half time was even more so. Habib Beye, who had hitherto found himself largely preoccupied with defensive duties, got forward to deliver a curling cross which was only partially cleared. Martins arrived to smash it from the edge of the area, and the ball flew past Green via Geremi's bonce and McCartney's shoulder.

What was pleasing was that we made sure that, having benefited from extremely good fortune in the first half, we didn't then throw it all away in the second. West Ham continued to dominate in terms of efforts on goal but these were largely wayward, the closest they came to regaining the lead being Ashton's drive that Harper stretched to tip over the bar. In the end, we could even have nicked it had Green not reacted so smartly to the excellent Martins's snapshot.

The point extended our unbeaten run to seven games, but, given events elsewhere on Saturday, extending it to eight on Bank Holiday Monday afternoon is likely to be a tougher test. Suffice to say that a certain red-faced Scotsman would "love it" if we can deprive Chelsea of points. Is Keegan expecting any thanks from his old nemesis? A case of wine, perhaps? "I doubt it! Not a good one anyway. It'll be one of those Chateauneuf du Plonk!" If we're to do Fergie a favour - albeit inadvertently and with gritted teeth - then our defence won't be able to start that game as though they've been on the aforementioned devil's grape juice...

Other reports: BBC, Guardian

Luka warm on Toon*

Ah, the magic of football. In mid-March, we were contemplating the very real prospect of relegation from the Premier League. A month later, and we're salivating at the fact that we somehow seem to have stolen a march on the cream of Europe in the pursuit of one of the continent's brightest young talents.

Croatian Luka Modric may not be a defender, but other than that he's exactly what we need - a prodigiously talented creative midfielder with his best years ahead of him. His arrival might potentially mean curtains for our 4-3-3 and Little Saint Mick's new withdrawn role, but it'd be a tasty dilemma to have, and in any case, counting chickens and all that.

My very first thought, though, was (and I'm not ashamed to admit being a realist here) why would he choose us over some of the other clubs who've been credited with a serious interest in him? It's been suggested that it was Dennis Wise who won him and Dinamo Zagreb vice-president Zdravko Mamic over - but (and this is possibly a first) the words of the Sun's unnamed source can be taken with a much smaller pinch of salt. Apparently, Modric's international team-mate Niko Kranjcar has sold him on England (the nation whose Euro 2008 hopes they jointly dashed in November, of course), and their manager Slaven Bilic has responded enthusiastically to the possible move in a way that's unlikely to amuse our old friend Harry Hotspur: "It's more likely that Newcastle will be English champions than Tottenham. Luka wouldn't be making a mistake if he signs for the Magpies".

The deal-clincher looks set to be a familiar one, though, the source having commented: "The money Newcastle are offering is fantastic"... That no doubt applies to both the player's wages and the transfer fee for his current club alike. The figures being bandied about for the latter are anything from a relatively sober £12m to a club-record-shattering £20m. Is he that good? Perhaps we should just be thankful that we may well have the opportunity to decide...

* If he does sign, we'll be able to wheel out all those old "Look who's talking" puns last used for Albert Luque. Remember him?

Update

Good thing we didn't count those chickens: Modric has signed for Spurs for £15.8m. Bollocks. Interesting to hear that Bilic has completely changed his tune...

Not so long ago we were crowing about beating the North Londoners to the signing of Damien Duff, but, having since lost out to them for both Jonathan Woodgate and now Modric, it seems as though the pulling power of White Hart Lane and Juande Ramos in particular is stronger. Not good news, as we're quite likely to end up going head-to-head with them for defensive reinforcements in the summer too...

Titus ramble

So, who's in Have A Go At Us Corner this week? It's not Graeme Souness. Neither is it the other usual suspect, Sam Allardyce, though he does merit a mention... No, please step forward Titus Bramble. Nice to know that even though he "does not even bother to give interviews anymore", he can still bring himself to slag us off publicly.

According to the Widest Arse in the (North) West, "The Newcastle fans aren’t as good as everybody says". Really, Titus? Would these be the same fans who largely stuck by you, despite having to watch your concentration lapse at some point in nearly every game you played? OK, so you were often unlucky that your only aberration of the whole 90 minutes would be punished, the incident destined to be the only thing anyone remembered about the match and your performance in particular - but the fact remains we were supportive even when you stretched our patience and lost us games we should have won.

And that's the point - it wasn't just the occasional cock-up, it was very much the rule rather than the exception. Which is why Bramble's laughable claim that he needed to leave St James's Park to get first-team football because "you can only really get judged when you are playing week in week out" suggests an extremely short memory - he WAS playing week in week out, pretty much, and certainly wasn't short of opportunities to impress, so we were fully justified in judging him. And judge him we did - as not good enough. I seem to recall Glenn Roeder at one point flinging his hands in the air in despair - no matter how often he'd been told how imperative it is to remain alert at all times, Bramble remained susceptible to calamitious relapses.

It's no great surprise that, despite a decent spell through November and December for his new club Wigan (including our Boxing Day visit to the JJB, annoyingly), Bramble's back out of the first-team frame after a particularly glaring mistake against Everton. Ol' Cauliflower Face's verdict? "The boy has everything he needs to be a top player but the one thing he has to work on is his concentration levels". I believe they call it deja entendu...

Sing-a-long

Basking in the satisfying glow that only a victory over the Great Unwashed can bring I stumbled across this little ditty, which has been lodged in my head ever since (you have been warned).

Update: Not a song, but any excuse to link to this clip...